Mania is amazing. Forget alcohol, or hobbies, or being in love. They're all fun things, but none can come close to the power that you have when you are manic. You don't just feel better, you ARE better. You're more observant, you're more confident, you're four steps ahead of the game, you can spend 9 hours writing a story as characters and plots all into place easier than a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle.
When you're manic ideas flow from you so fast you can't possibly get them all down before you forget them. I have pages and pages of notes typed up, stories, ideas. You don't need to sleep. You aren't tired. You're permanently at that perfect point just after your body has processed the optimal amount of caffeine from your morning latte. And so you stay up 24, 36, 48 hours before collapsing exhausted into your bed, excitedly typing the ideas still erupting in you like a volcano until you fall asleep with your phone in your hand and a lava flow of ideas cooling away, forever forgotten.
It would be easy, and logical, to assume that these fantastic ideas I experience during manic periods are not actually good ideas - merely my manic self viewing the world through rose-tinted goggles. However, when I'm calm or in a depression I look over these ideas and they are brilliant. Plot twists, creatures, scenarios - each vivid and unique in its own way.
Other times I'll wake up at 4am, struck by mania and do everything. Two or three days work is done in the space of four hours. I find myself flying around washing dishes, cleaning, catching up on work etc.
Then there is the depression. It comes immediately before or after a manic period, but never both. Simple tasks multiply in difficulty fivefold. It becomes terrifying to see people, let alone speak with them. Text messages, phone calls, and emails go unanswered or unopened because the littlest criticism could send me into an irrational spiral of believing I'm worthless and everybody hates me. It's illogical and untrue. But depression doesn't care about concepts like logic or truth; it is the emotional antithesis to them.
I took SSRI's a while ago to treat the symptoms of depression; but they kill off the mania too. I wish I just had depression. Depression can be treated with SSRI's. Sure, you might not feel emotions as intensely, or be able to climax anymore, but at least you're out of the dark place.
Imagine for a second that everyone in the world is a lightbulb, each in a different socket across an infinitely large house. Some people are fitted on to the roof and hang by themselves; others are part of elegant lamps with four or five partner-bulbs. If a bulb is faulty (Depression) it will not turn on when the switch is flicked, or it will glow dimly. Some minor repairs can restore its brightness though, fixing it and making it fit in (SSRI's/Antidepressants). This is perfect for the bulb. It's situation is better than what it had before.
However, there are other bulbs which are sometimes dim too. (Depression) But once a week, when the stars align, the bulb glows a bright colour never seen by a human being, bathing the room in an exciting new way of doing things. (Mania) This bulb could be sent for repairs, after all, it doesn't do it's job most of the time. However, the situation after repairs is not better than what it had before. It has been made uniform, but it has also been made mediocre. It was capable of so much more. It was capable of leaving a mark on the world that people wouldn't forget when it's filament finally burnt out and it was gone.
In conclusion, I'm probably gonna stay off the SSRI's. My mania has helped me in so many ways. I have done things that were absolutely amazing, won competitions against world champions leaving them completely stumped as to how they were beaten. I try sleeping through the depressed times, the more I sleep the less time the depression stage lasts and I can either move back to my normal self, or if I'm lucky - mania.
However, there are other bulbs which are sometimes dim too. (Depression) But once a week, when the stars align, the bulb glows a bright colour never seen by a human being, bathing the room in an exciting new way of doing things. (Mania) This bulb could be sent for repairs, after all, it doesn't do it's job most of the time. However, the situation after repairs is not better than what it had before. It has been made uniform, but it has also been made mediocre. It was capable of so much more. It was capable of leaving a mark on the world that people wouldn't forget when it's filament finally burnt out and it was gone.
In conclusion, I'm probably gonna stay off the SSRI's. My mania has helped me in so many ways. I have done things that were absolutely amazing, won competitions against world champions leaving them completely stumped as to how they were beaten. I try sleeping through the depressed times, the more I sleep the less time the depression stage lasts and I can either move back to my normal self, or if I'm lucky - mania.
